[22 Jun 2007|06:46am] I'M OFF TO ITALY! 1 comment|post comment

i hate this feeling [20 Jun 2007|03:22am] i hate this feeling this feeling of emptiness like im just a gaping vessel with a coat of misery lying just underneath the skin, and beyond that, there is nothing. i almost feel foolish... i think i dont even know i wonder what the world would be like how much things would really change, if people couldnt honestly, control their emotions, all of them i mean honestly but i think the fact that we cant fully control, try as we might, and despite the lying bastards who say they can, we cant but, thats the point, thats what its all about thats natures way, of having a say in our life but let me say just this fuck you nature. i am sick of this, years of, of whatever the fuck you want to call it. i hate it id never been more over it then i had been just a bit ago but i shouldnt have been surprised when one old song came on and sick emotion took me over. how can someone i so little care about in such a way have such power over my emotions even now what if, it actually isnt even them, its just situation.. i mean everything in life is situational right... so like, what if... it could have been anybody.. only heres the thing, it wasnt, its never just, anybody, and thats what makes it so.. oh, idk, im not even sure... i just wish i knew, why some freak buried part of me is still holding on so fucking tightly that it twists everything inside of me till i feel myself about to puke i always think there must be a point, but i dont see one, or at least i try not to, because the only thing that would make sense i do not believe shall ever be,happen,what have you so why the fuck, wont that part of me, wherever the hell it is, just let go, it doenst make sense what would make it ant to hold on so bad, knowing only pain will come, and i mean, if you know nothing is going to happen, why does some part hang on, letting you think theres that freak one percent chance that you have yourself trained to not even want, and honest to god half the time, you simply dont, because its like, uhm, ew squse me, no. but then one damn thing and your body mind everything, just gets fuckine warped. i mean. it, doesnt. fucking. make. any. sense. this is why emotions blow aaaass ppl! hello!!! its in our fucking nature to fuck ourselves up isnt it must be do believe its already been said best its in our nature to kill ourselves, its in our nature to kill each other, its in our nature to kill its in our nature to destroy ourselves, its in our nature to destroy each other its in our nature to kill. i want you to know i will never forgive you. no matter what you do. get over it i may, i mother fucking better, forgive, probably not, in all honesty, forget, never. 1 comment|post comment

[04 Jun 2007|12:49am] another night my thoughts are wasted on you, or are they.... post comment

[24 May 2007|03:57pm] Sometimes i wish i could hate you, might make this easier. post comment

R.I.P. [08 May 2007|03:52pm] May 8th thrusday morning 1997 Daniel Joseph Stewart passed away. i love you daddy... 2 comments|post comment

people..a sacrafice? [11 Jan 2007|10:40pm] in defending his plan to send more soldiers to Iraq bush uses the statement "its going to take sacrifice." sense when is it okay to use humans, as a sacrifice? if he wants to make a sacrifice like that, if he wants to sacrifice our loved ones, maybe he should round up his family and they can all go out there to "serve our country". 1 comment|post comment

[08 Jan 2007|04:45pm] liar loZer still blame me partly.... aaahhhg post comment

..... [07 Jan 2007|04:45pm] boy numero two..totally just called yes, the one in korea the other ones a pansy... anyways... he told me some stuff... idk... someones liine... idk who anymore.... it would be nice if it wasnt him liine, but idk...sadly he sounded different... but, i was kinda rude to him when i first answered cuz i had no idea who he was..hehe... but yeah... i talked to him, and eventually figured it out and felt really bad for snapine, but idnt appalogize, cuz i dint want him to know i dint know... either way... i still wish i was with him im such, a nimrod i sure hope he isnt liine, it sounds awful...but..i want it to work out.. im so stupid... gah! but, we'd still have really cute babies...hehehe LOVE YOU MANDAKINS!!! ♥arrielle~ 1 comment|post comment

[20 Dec 2006|04:55am] i had an amazing night a wonderful amazing night .......8X .... ?/?/?!!! arg, oh well.... life goes on 8) hopefully, in the right direction 8) waaahaaaaa im awful ....but it works great night thank you to one person imparticular... even though they will never see this 8) wanka wanka 8) loooove love love love love love love love <<<<<<<<<<<<33333333333333 4 comments|post comment

wanka wanka [11 Dec 2006|04:59am] soooo im goine nuts not as upset as i was bout an hour ago im freezine my ass off btw anywhoo..just need some comfort some pain i thought was finally gone recently..uber recently..has started to poke at me again... and i hate it... its evil pain, that kind that drives people to do awful things....why cant things just go back to the good way they were. everythine happens for a reason....but ive been diggine and diggine, and i still dont know what i did to deserve this...or why the fuck, why the hell....it would happen...there are many possible reasons, im not sure i like fuckine any of them....or that i agree..... maaaan this sucks....ahg! i just want to know why!!!! too bad the ones person that can help me.... is.... o, i dont even know what he is anymore ahg, but the worst part is i do! hes just ahg... i just cant help but be angry with him, and idk...the universe? for all this i just want the anwer, and i want it now...fuck patience, and "everythine works out in the end" i want to know fuckine now, im sick of waiting...... id say sorry, but im not, if you read this, it was by your own free will... fuckers.... post comment

just felt like sayine hi [24 Oct 2006|04:27am] to two woooonderful gals. whom i just want to remind. im always, here, and i always love ya. *mwuah!!!* to my mandakins and wiw sissy I LOVE YOU LADIES! and i hope you both have good weeks 8) love always ~moi~ ♥ 2 comments|post comment

TO MANDAKINS [12 Oct 2006|04:40am] i have just read some of your entrys here is what i have to say wtf, do you think would happen if u and i chose arandom state where we knew nobody and took off just the two of us and moved there and just thats where we lived oh and the best part is we would tell anyone fuckine anyone where the hell we went at least, not for an agreed amount of time honestly what do you think would happen what would our lives be like..... just think about it i love you amanda your my MY mandakins for life 6 comments|post comment

concert [05 Aug 2006|03:50am] tonight i went to a machine head concert with my boys needless to say it kicked ass 8p 3 comments|post comment

[08 May 2006|09:47pm] thursday may 8th 1197 Daniel Joseph Stewart commits suicide. 9 years ago today thats pretty much what the headlines in my town were readine about that time. today is the nine year anniversary of my fathers death. my day started off with me gettine up late late for school used my smoothe tatcis to get two passes from the office, so it was excused then, used em again to get a test extention. as i waled the halls wearine my fathers old airforce jacket a few people came up to me, very few knowine why i was wearine it, they gave me that look, you know, they im so sorry....i love you look. im like its okay really anyways this is jsut part of why im acctually writine writine a journal as i sat downstairs listenine to disarm on repeat for like ever it got me thinkine to my life and whats goien on it alot is im behind in everythine at school everynight i do the hole, yea fuck thsi im doine it all tonight, well tonight i am so i will stay up all night which could fuck me over considerine i believe im goine to see Ax7 tomorrow night (wouldnt that be beyond marvolous) but it got me to thinkine about my somewhat relationship that it is and that i cant, cant, let myself get fucked over.....i don think its too late, but who knows....im strong, ill handle it. this week was just, more stressful then i realized, with prom this last saterday n beeine out all weekend the lack of job startine to tack a toll on the ol wallet, i really should get a job, hopefully better then the last one. prom, acctually dint blow, you always hear every year, o god, prom sucked, well, ha, sucks for you all, all i can say is, you musta gone about it the wrong way, cuz if i can have a good time, without jewlery (which never ever leaves my body) in 4 in heals withglitter n beads, and a full out prom dress that even with the heels, my short self still trips inside of long and glamorous, with beads on it n all, thats right.....that wont happen again for a long time, but hey, point beeine everyone who went to my prom this year, had a stellar time. which leaves me to believe that those people who all say prom sucks, must either surround themselves with the wrong people at the wrong time, or, be, the wrong person at the wrong time that ruins everyone elss evenine. (ooo!! i rode a caracell before prom,a nd i must sayd, to be able to fling myself over that horse, dress heals n all! with such grace! im mighty proud, that i am 8p ) but away from prom, today, i am however thankful, that my brothers did nto realize what today was, that would have made it so much worse, i mean, theyd get all uspet, and probably use it as an excuse to get away with shit, its what they do, its fuckine lame. i mean, hell one of em, doesnt remember what its lek to have a father, so honestly, he probably has it he easiest, and for anyone who disagrees, keep it to yourself, cuz idc to hear your opposition, you dont know my brother 8) 8p the other one, hardly remebers as well. my mom, eh shes fine with it, me, well, out of everyone in the family, i spent the msot time with my father, when he had free time, he uually chose me to do thines with, thats right, im a daddys girl, while my father wasnt the greatest man, by any means, he had enough qualities for me to respect him. granted, no matter how he may have treated us at times.....he still was a good father....and the thines that would make it seem otherwise...well....idk...i guess in the end they all kinda balance out. when it comes down to it, my father and i, are very alike, we have the same values, and lots of the same strong dominearing personality traits, the only difference, is that im stronger...mentally 8p. which is true, my father did alot in his time, and accomplished very much, and overcame alot, as have i, the only difference is, i handle it better, im stonger then he was when it comes/came to certain thines. but in the end, he was who he was, he made some very very grave mistakes and one very fatal one, and honestly, one that i wouldnt change for anythine. to be quite honest, i wouldnt change any part of my past, because my past is what has made me who and what i am today. my father diing included. my life would be well, a totally differnet life, more then anyone could ever imagine, ever. i lived a very different life the msot people from the time i was born, one that took an even bigger turn with the death of that man. i got on here to write this for many reasons, but, i seem to have gone off corse, and lost my way...i think, but im nto sure...but its alright, im doine this for me not anyone else, so, it really doesnt matter all that much. summer is commine, im not sure, but, i think this summer has the possibility of bringing about great change....who knows....but....at this rate...this summer will be insane....but who knows. i have made a list, well, started a list of thines i woudl like to accomplish this summer, and damnit, i fuckine better, i dotn wanna let one thine stop me....i seem to have that..fault i will finally finally, get all the determination i need for somethine and one thine comes along, (sometimes good sometimes bad,but a distraction none the less), and can distract me from that one thine i have been for so longine to do or get or aquire....and it can really set me back sometimes.... i really must oh..idk...i do...but i dont need to tell myself again.... wow....just checked somethine...looks like i got fucked over yet again.... and now, that all my energy and will to keep fightine has just been wiped away....im goine to go....and...idk....pick myself of, and dust off.....fuck i blame myself told myself and everyoen else it was goine to happen....but oh hell.... fuck maybe ill finish this later.... fuck life bitches live it up. 2 comments|post comment

word to the wise [03 May 2006|11:10pm] [ mood | oh man oh man oh man ] ♥love life♥ 2 comments|post comment

[20 Apr 2006|02:53am] All that shimmers in your eyes, and what you cant see, A beautiful summer night brought down to you and me, With glittering decadence shining down on us, Ill erase the sunlight just to give you a rush, Silence, all the silence, The shadows are behind you now What is it youre looking for, a false hope? Whoa The pain that is brought from me and you, Will only make us stronger, It will only make you. I saw you standing there with radiant silence, Staring into your heart, And listening to the skys to hear only your thoughts, Ill steal a kiss from the moon, watch it bleed through your eyes, Dont be scared, dont ever be fake, Open up your disguise The shadows are behind you now What is it youre looking for, a false hope? Whoa The pain that is brought from me and you, Will only make us stronger, It will only make you. You So give me an approbation, give me a sign, Am I not the answer you cannot deny? Why dont you come over here and cast your brilliance upon to me, Yeah, let it rain down upon my face, Just frighten all your apathy away, Yeah frighten all your apathy away, Yeah, let it rain down on me.. The shadows are behind you now What is it youre looking for, a false hope? Whoa The pain that is brought from me and you, Will only make us stronger, It will only make you. It will only make you 2 comments|post comment

[15 Oct 2005|11:49pm] [ mood | idk, but my head hurts now ] [ music | started out with coldplay, now, system of a down 8P ] hmmm ya know whats funny, peoples minds when it comes to readine. seriously, think about it, everyone has done it, or still do, i know i do, most the time, not always though. but they will b readine somethine, anythine, for one reason or another, and they look for the shortest amount to read. you could give someone a book with fourty pages wtih a few lines er so on each page, and a book with 15-20 pages, with each page full from top to bottem, and more then most people would pick the 40 page book. guess it could b the same with readine livejournals, you read what looks easier to read. o well i dont feel like writine like that, it will be one big bunch of writine. haha idk if its cuz hopefully that way most people wont read it, er i just dont feel like it, could b both, o well, anyways. so i havent "updated" in like ages, cuz well, i just dont on here alot, i guess i am now cuz im bored and i feel like sharine, wether er not ppl feel like readin, eh, whateves, lol. so idk, the last month, month and a half has been crazy comeplete and sheer utter chaos, i have been so busy. i have a job and work like crazy...although they have a important madatory meetine this tuesday i really hope i dont get fired (for some odd reason, i could honestly see that happenine, so it rather sucks) its a rather wonderful job to have. between school work sleepine and tryine to still have time to do what i want with my friends, that hasnt left time fer like anythine else, which is bad cuz one of those thines is homework, which i hate, so i would'nt do it all even if i had te time (at least i assume) just cuz i hate it so much, and my grades are really showine it, i wish i had more time to do it though, cuz i woudl do a good majority, its just ah..im weird, lol. so yea, a couple weeks ago me and my "zoo crew" took a trip to the zoo it was marvolous. i have been hangine out with some different people lately, its good though, its good. just so long as i stay close with those imoprtant, tis all good. i went to a funeral last thursday, it was horrible. this boy i know, his little brother 'was' in eigthe grade and he shot himself in the head monday mornine. it was overly upsettien to hear about, but goine to the funeral was worse. i really wasnt sure if i was goine to cry i thought morely that i wasnt, but i did, i went and bawlled my effien eyes out, seeine all the pictures of him, and i coudlnt even go to the cascet, i just walked by. i cried like the whole service. it ws just...horrible, im glad i went, i woudlnt have taken it back fer anythine, i just cant believe how hard it was. movine on. im jsut gunna short-cut this, cuz i dont wanna go into deatail, but i must say somethine cuz it has been a rather signifigant part of what i have been goine through lately but yea, ill just say...my love life has been...interestine lately...good bad n ugly...n interestine..... mk movine on yet again. hmmm see theres alot more, that i simply can not think of.....hmm well i chopped off and dyed my hair...and before that i finally fiiinally got a good decent hair straightner, love that thine like no other, lol. i acctually bought new never preowned clothes like more then one thine earlier this week, which is weird me for..cuz idk, i just have this weird thine with new new brand new clothes, but yea, aw and new shoes, they may b from the lil girls section and hurt to wear em a lil, but they are adorable, i even got a new purse...thats right finally got a new one, and! without the oober long strap!o and a new calcalator too, bout damn time id been without one for like a month. im also sick of waitine fer my god damn license stupid ass 4 month wait list just outrageous!!! simply outragouesly unacceptable...its just effine bogus. hmm what else, im sure there is more..but i simply cant think of it, i had a slightly unpleasant dream last night...post to a night where there were a few shortish periods of time with some veeery unpleasant thines happenine. hmm omg, well unless i think of more in the next few minutes i guess im just done. ladedadedade hmm i needa go shoppine rather bad, i also need to look into gettine a cell phone, but the whole idea of havine to go find one and have the best plan, is really just rather intimidatine...plus i hate spendine money. lol.and if i like splurge shop er you know, that one word for it, impluse buy, but idk i wish there was a better word ah! impluse shoppine spree! ill go with that one, anywho yea, when i do that, i always regret it well half the time i regret buyine needed thines, just cuz i know, i now have less money then i did when i started, lol. did you know its really really expensive to have a baby, i know off topic, but i recently learned you have to paaaay to have a baby, ( i may have known that in one point in time acctually think i did just dint know how much so yea i was rather surprised!) not like buy it shit, but just to fuckine have one! i believe i thought it was insane! haha i mean payine to have a child, sux fer those who dint want it and it was a mistake...=( sucks fer the kids too, lol uhg, ima go now acctually cuz my friend just started talkine to me, and is pretty much pissine me right the fuck off! 8D wait..tis gettine better, o well, im gainine a lack of thinkine skill for the moment, so im goine to go enjoy it! later all! post comment

[15 Oct 2005|10:52pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | eve 6- heres to the night ] i think i got a weird/interestine....idk...some type of reality check tonight, was bad...jsut almost scary...idk....left me with a weird sensation..... post comment

[19 Sep 2005|05:29am] what would your life be without love.... 1 comment|post comment

mmmm just felt like shaaaaarine [10 Sep 2005|12:46pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | LFO summertime girls...yea, fuck you, lol its my happy song ] its my birthday. 2 comments|post comment

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